wistfully nostalgic about the gritty, soulful old nyc? here’s all you have to do… go to greenwich and christopher on a beautiful indian summer evening and have a meal with your family but be sure to sit next to the open patio doors and leave something on the table like a phone. then, because it’s the gritty, soulful, old nyc and you happen to be a musician, turn around and play the piano sitting there. wait, because it’s the gritty, soulful old nyc, you have to go to the bar first to get a rag and dust off the keys because the piano is just so damn gritty and soulful. then, while you are playing, have someone reach in from outside next to where your daughter is sitting and grab that phone. then you can jump up amid shouts of, hey you! grab your wife’s phone who smartly has already got the ‘find my phone’ app open and give hot pursuit. try to jump over the planter and onto the sidewalk but fail, knock over the planter and go down hard on the sidewalk, cutting your finger open somehow and giving you a mysterious limp the next day. then run after the perp through the streets of the w. village like a madman, tracking them on the phone and shouting, 'you’re right here, i can see you, i’m going to fucking kill you!' oh. make sure to bump into as many people possible while you are doing this. it’s ok. it’s the gritty, soulful nyc, remember. they are used to this kind of shit and don’t want to get involved. then when you get to 10th st and 7th ave, lose the signal and stare menacingly at every person you see. it’s ok. in the gritty, soulful nyc, lunatics stare menacingly at you all the time. sadly, though, because it’s the gritty, soulful nyc, that means you’re not going to catch them because crime is so romantic in the gritty, soulful, old nyc. so go back to your family at the restaurant and wait an hour for the cops to show up. but because it’s NOT the gritty, soulful nyc anymore, they actually come and are very nice and helpful. maybe don’t call the cops. it will ruin your gritty, soulful experience.
please don’t say, i’m sorry this happened to you. it’s just a phone. and i got to experience the gritty, soulful days of old nyc for the first time in the nearly 20 years i’ve been here. the experience was so edgy, gritty and soulful that i stayed up all night writing music.