we beat you!!! yeaaahhh!! 
you suck! we rule!! yeaahhhhh!! i knew we could do it. i’ve been waiting my WHOLE LIFE for this. now i’m going turn over some cars and light some shit on fire. whooooooo!!! wait. what? we…

someone is playing their loud video game on their phone so i do what i always do and start scrolling through the sounds of MY phone, lingering on the most obnoxious one, repeating it everytime they kill someone or jump…

when i grew up in st. louis, i never thought of missouri as the south…till i played my first paying gig at the age of 16 in the town of bonne terre in a biker bar about 5o miles south…

i was in the health food part of my grocery store today - it’s a whole seperate floor - and the house music was this typical, crappy, auto-tuned, nasaly, overly melismatic singer w backing tracks that came out of a…

a woman gets on and sits directly across from me. within seconds she is into her handbag. out comes the….deodorant? i have articluated my annoyance at people who do their grooming on the subway but this is a first. and…

bus driver: miss, u are $1.40 short.  
lady: no. this is a weekly card.  
bd: no, it isn’t. if it were the machine would read ‘expired’ and instead it reads u are a $1.40 short.  
lady: this is a weekly…

jazz is dred 
america is dred
  
low-fat is a lie
  
you cover dead people with lye  



i don’t play the piano 

i play a box with a big metal board in it  

upon which a series of strings is…